How I cured my anxiety and stopped (almost all) the worry chatter in my head

Every month I have a wonderful time connecting with some of the most amazing women in our coaches’ mastermind circle. As part of our monthly rituals, we do a virtual go around, where we each share one or more of our wins of the past four weeks. When it was my turn, I had the best win ever to share: I’ve come to the conclusion that I cured my anxiety and stopped (almost all) the worry chatter in my head. But, and there’s always a but, this realization came as the silver lining of a very unpleasing situation that has recently made its way into my life.

That’s the reason I want to write about anxiety today, because in a way what’s happening to me right now, and the way I’m dealing with it, has helped me realize how far I’ve come, and how much all the work I’ve put in to overcome my anxiety has paid off. Because believe me, if what’s happening now in my life would have happened to me only a few years ago, I’d be a total mess, completely devastated, overcome with bouts of anxiety I wouldn’t be able to deal with, incapable to stop the worry chatter in my head.

Yet, here I am. Peaceful, calm, and happy.

The €80,000 Anxiety Test

While an ex-business partner from almost a decade ago managed to bankrupt a company that I was briefly involved in way back when, failed to file the required accounts and other reports to the state for years, made official documents disappear, lied about the whole thing to government officials, so that now they’re at my doorstep asking me to fill in for the losses, using a decade-old capitalization promise of €80,000 (yes, you read that right, we’re talking $100,000). I’m sure you’ll agree that this might be reason enough to propel anyone into anxiety and worry town.

Yet, here I am. Together, serene, and (almost) undisturbed.

When I realized the placid state I was in, when the news about this really unfair, and really, really shitty situation reached me a few weeks ago, I was in disbelief.

At first, I thought I was in shock, and that that was the reason why I didn’t feel anything. “Give it a few days”, I thought to myself, “and you’ll be a mess, I promise”. But a few days later, I was still doing fine. Of course, I had the occasional thought popping into my mind, but every time, in a reflex-like manner, I simply pushed the thought away.

Then, I thought it was because I was being optimistic, having arranged a preliminary meeting with my lawyers, and thinking it would all be OK since I have absolutely nothing to do with this whole thing. Until I met with them, and they confirmed that there was no way out of this, and that I would have to pay up, no matter what. Even then, every time a worrisome thought about this came into my mind, the reflex was there too, and the thought was pushed aside.

Finally, I thought it was because I was blinded by anger for the injustice that was happening to me. And that when that wave of anger would pass, I’d only start feeling the real feelings, anxiety, and worry that I was expecting to come over me.

But again, close to nothing. And when an anxious feeling did make its way into my mind, it left as fast as it had appeared. This left me puzzled to say the least, and for a few different reasons.

How Far I’ve Come…

• One. I’ve been anxious for as long as I can remember. When I used to be a people pleaser, the worry chatter in my head never seemed to stop. Even the smallest, most insignificant thing would get me going.

• Two. Although I’ve been working on getting myself anxiety and worry-free for a good five years now, I never would have thought that I could remain so composed and blissful in a shitty situation like that. Yes, I knew I had beaten the little anxiety demons, but I wasn’t aware that the big ones were also slayed.

• Three. I’ve been working on my money story for a very long time too. And one of my biggest worries in life has always been money, and my biggest fear that someone would come and take my hard-earned cash away from me.

• Four. When I was a kid, the thing that made me the saddest was when someone would wrongfully accuse me of something, and I would have no way to defend myself. And until this day, I still cannot stand it. It’s made me into a feminist, and an activist, which I wonderful, but also into someone who’s very sensitive to any kind of injustice.

The good thing about being self-aware, and on a continuous path of self-discovery, is that you notice things. And after a few weeks, when I had gone through all five stages of loss, because – hey – it’s not because you’re not worrying or anxious that you can’t or shouldn’t feel angry, depressed over something unfair happening to you, I had to accept that I still wasn’t back to my worrisome self from the past.

So I started to think back on all the things I had done to help alleviate my anxiety, and the path I’d traveled since then. I read a lot of books, tried out a lot of techniques, and often felt like nothing was really working.

But that’s because I didn’t realize what a layered process it is, and how everything I was doing, and learning would be very beneficial in the long term. So after six years of self-discovery, with the last three years spent working on overcoming my anxiety, here’s an overview of the five main areas I worked on to achieve the level of peace, and calm I now enjoy.

#1 Mindfulness

The first real step I took to live a life with less anxiety, was to follow an eight-week course in Mindfulness. It’s funny when I think back on it, because a lot of the things that were taught during that course now seem so normal to me, yet at the time my woo-woo alarms where going off every five minutes. I was so into the masculine, and so focused on being a high-achieving woman, unaware of the suffocating stress I was living under, and the unrealistic expectations I had for myself, that anything that tried to crack that armour was met with disbelief. But thanks to the beginners’ mind, and a real wish to live a much happier life, I kept going, even though I fell asleep during every single meditation!

The most important thing that this mindfulness training taught me was that we are not our thoughts, and that we should be like investigative journalists before we believe them. A Copernican revolution for me. Until then, I made no difference between what I thought, the nasty little voice in my head that spelled out those thoughts to me, and my self.

After the Mindfulness course I started to question the things that I thought, and to distance myself from them. An awakening moment to say the least.

#2 Meditation

I’d been on and off the meditation wagon for many, many years. I knew about the benefits, but I had a hard time keeping a daily practice. After the Mindfulness course, I committed to giving myself to meditate every day. The reason I wanted this so badly, is that I realized that if I was not my thoughts, I needed a powerful way to be in control of them. And I felt that meditation might be the answer. And I believe it’s been instrumental to stopping the worry chatter in my head.

My meditation practice is really simple. I focus on my breathing, and I allow thoughts to enter my mind, but also to leave my mind again. Always going back to my breathing. That’s the powerful training that I’ve given myself over the years. And now, even when I’m not in a meditative state, I’m able to push away thoughts that I don’t want. And… to keep them at bay, leaving me undisturbed.

#3 The Now

A few months after the eight-week Mindfulness practice, my coach at the time proposed that I’d read The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. Of course, I’d heard about how the only real moment we have is now, and how the past cannot be changed, and the future is only an illusion, but still I found myself anxiously worrying about all the things I felt I had done wrong in my life, and all the things that dawned on me in the future.

No stone was left unturned. I could spend hours, days, weeks even going over a conversation I’d had with someone, or something someone had said or done. I saw danger everywhere, with my biggest worry being that people would eventually hate me, hurt me, and figure out that I was not anywhere near good enough. I didn’t believe in a happy world, where I could live a successful life. Until I discovered the power of now.

Using the teachings of the book (and of course, reading up on it, and doing a lot more research!), whenever I felt anxious I started asking myself:

• How are you feeling now?

• Where are you now?

• Can anyone hurt you now?

To always come to the same conclusion: that I was safe, that I was good, that nobody could hurt me.

It changed my life.

#4 Beliefs

By now, I’d come to realize that I was not my thoughts, and even better, that I could control them. I’d also learned techniques to keep me out of the past and future, and to ground me in the present – where everything was really just fine most of the time. And so, at this point in my journey, I came across the next very powerful piece of the anxiety-free puzzle: my beliefs.

Realizing that I was not my thoughts was a very powerful experience for me. But even more so, was understanding that the thoughts I have are a result of the beliefs that I hold true. And with that, to become aware of where those beliefs come from, and their innate illusory character.

Our beliefs shape our reality. I have no doubt about that. But that doesn’t make them real, or intangible. We all believe so many things, consciously and subconsciously. And most of those beliefs have been passed down to us by our parents, the significant people in our lives, and even society and our culture. Understanding this was another big a-ha moment for me, one in which I decided that from now on I would question everything, and that I would not accept the status quo anymore.

#5 Self-love

And finally, through this process, I realized that the biggest piece of it all to overcome my anxiety and worry, was to learn to love myself. I believe that something that is whole doesn’t worry, because it has everything it needs right within itself. And I believe the same goes for us humans. A big part of anxiety and worry comes from believing you’re not good enough, at least it was for me, and that somebody out there will hurt you, or figure you out, or that nobody will ever love you.

Remembering when I’ve been the most anxious in my life, this certainly applies to me. The worries I would have would always have to do with my many flaws, with the things I could lose in my life, with invented danger about being left all alone in this world, having no were to go, or no one to turn to. But the real issue was: I didn’t love myself.

Over the course of the last few years, I’ve worked very, very hard at becoming my own best girlfriend. And it has had a profound effect on how I stand in the world, and the way I deal with any kind of shit that comes my way: serene, untroubled, and supported.

Because I’m always there for me. And that, in the end, is my biggest anxiety and worry-busting remedy.

Of course, I’m not saying that I never have any worries anymore, or that I’m totally anxiety free. That would simply not be true. Especially with something like what’s happening now, I will have the off moment and the dark thought. But where it used to be days or weeks on end of agonizing worry over anything and everything, I’m down to a couple of minutes, that have little to no effect on my overall happiness. And that to me is nothing short of a miracle.

I hope this post helps you to overcome your anxieties and worry chatter. And if you’re doing the work, but feel like nothing’s changing… Know now that it’s a process, and that you’re on your way to a much happier and more peaceful life. So don’t give up, but let me know how you’re doing in the comments below instead. I’d love to know.

Want to be good to yourself? Try disappointing a few people

I’ve spent a big part of my life trying not to disappoint anyone. I’ve also spent a big part of my life not living up to my full potential, and not being really happy. During those years, I’ve had my share of disappointments. I’ve had hard times come my way, decisions gone bad, toxic people in my life, situations I wasn’t sure I would get out of in one piece. And looking back, there’s one thing that connects all of those experiences: me not being authentic, real, and honest with myself, in an effort to avoid disappointing others. And what I’ve learned since, is that if you want to be good with yourself, disappointing a few people is inevitable.

I’ve wrote in the past about how I’m a recovering people-pleaser, and how I’ve spent a big part of my time trying to live up to other people’s expectations of me – or at least the expectations I mirrored about the kind of person I though I needed to be in order to be loved. As a people-pleaser I was very sensitive to disappointing others, trying to avoid it at all costs, all the time. As a result, I was never truly myself. And because it started at such a young age, it silenced my needs and desires to a pretty scary degree.

When I started my journey of self-discovery in 2010, one of the biggest challenges I faced, was to listen to my desires and figure out what I really wanted. This may sound trivial, but for a people-pleaser like me, or anyone with low self-esteem, or low self-confidence, having lived from a place of trying to not disappoint anyone – ever, rather than a place of self-fulfillment and self-love, messes with your sense of self and intuitive knowing about your innermost dreams and cravings.

In my case, on the proverbial day that I woke up from this pretend life, I was shocked by how little I knew about who I was or why I did the things I did. It dawned on me that avoiding disappointing others had played a major role in alienating me from myself, and who I was really meant to be.

Because you see, there’s two sides to this story.

The more you try to avoid others from being disappointed by you, the more likely you’ll be disappointing yourself. You might not be conscious of it, or you might not realize the effects it has on you for a long time, but eventually – I promise you – trying to meticulously avoid others from being disappointed by you will leave you unhappy, unfulfilled, and disappointed in yourself. At least it was for me.

When I started my self-love journey, the biggest part of the work I did focused on trying to figure out what I really wanted, and what would really serve me, and make me happy. It’s only later, and in time, that I realized that I could not become who I really longed to be, without disappointing others along the way.

The mind is funny like that, I know.

For a while I thought I could keep up the people pleasing and be self-loving at the same time. Until one day, when being true to me, and loving me made me realize I was going to break some eggs doing it. Often. Repeatedly.

That’s when I knew I had to come to terms with it, if I ever wanted to be happy. And that’s why I want to encourage you today to look at disappointment not as something to avoid at all costs, but rather as something to embrace as part of your self-loving practice, and personal growth. I have come to learn that choosing you, and wanting to be good to yourself, and treating yourself well will often collide with what others want from you. And you know what? That’s perfectly OK.

We’re not put on this earth to satisfy the needs of others, or to put those needs before our own, or to feel guilty all the time, or not good enough. We’re here to fulfill our destiny, to become the best versions of ourselves, to find happiness and joy in this existence. And that’s impossible to do, if you’re not willing to accept a few unhappy faces along the way.

Here are a few things that helped me accept disappointment in my own life, and that might help you do the same in yours:

#1: Figure out what you really want – and be true to yourself!

When I realized I wasn’t being true to my own desires, a big question mark popped up. What did I really want? I understood that in order to be happy, I needed to figure out what mattered to me. To do that, I needed to analyze my behavior, and strip it from all the people-pleasing first. Whenever I would be asked something, whether it was to do something, go somewhere, or my opinion on a particular subject, I asked myself just one question: “What would I do, if I were the only only person in the world?”. From there, I started adjusting my behavior, and my responses.

#2: Learn to say no gracefully.

By asking myself the question above, it became clear to me that I needed to say “no” much more. But I had no clue how. Not only was I afraid to disappoint, but when it came to formulating a “no” response, I was terrible at it. Often, this caused even more disappointment. My advice is, if you’re going to say “no” – and I strongly encourage you to! – it’s wise to do so gracefully. It will ease the process, and make things easier for you and the person you’re saying “no” to.

#3: See disappointment as possibility, and learn from it.

The people who know me will tell you, I never shy away from learning something new. So when I started to embrace disappointment, and see it as a useful, and even natural part of living a fulfilling life, I also started to embrace all of its possibilities. The thing is, working your way through disappointing others, and accepting to be disappointed, can have many benefits.

It helped me to see things differently, to get to know myself better, to remember what really matters to me or why I do something, and it also pushed me into places well beyond my comfort zone.

But what about you? Are you afraid of disappointing others? And are you finding that you’re turning “no” into “yes” way too often for your own good? If so, perhaps it’s time to let go, and embrace those unhappy, frowning faces.

Let me know how you’re dealing with disappointment in the comments below, I’d love to know.

How to overcome the mental blocks that keep you from taking action

Through my work as a coach, I come across many women who want to achieve great things, but who fail to see things through, get stuck in a rut, or simply lack the motivation to keep at it until their goals are achieved. In many cases, the reason that these women don’t achieve what they set themselves out to do is based in their fear and limiting beliefs.

There are all kinds of fears and beliefs like this which can prevent women of all ages, backgrounds, and cultures from doing what they are passionate about.

And today I want to address the subject of fear, as I believe this is the number one mental block that keeps many women from achieving their dreams.

Before we take a good look at fear, I want to say up front that, to me, overcoming fear does not mean being totally absent of fear. Being fearless is not the absence of fear; rather, it’s having moved through fear, or past fear, based on the assumption that the result of taking action outweighs the uneasiness involved in doing so. So being fearless does not mean that you live without fear. Instead, it means you’re able to live with your fears – to really look at them and get to know them, and then befriend them on your journey towards accomplishing your goals.

Being afraid of something is human and, in many situations, a necessary and life-saving reflex. In the evolution of humankind, fear has helped our species stay alive and evolve into the intelligent and advanced societies and cultures we live in today. Unfortunately, although we don’t need all of those “fight or flight” reflexes anymore, fear is still a part of who we are.

Fear has evolved with us, provoking psychological, emotional, and even physical reactions that are separate from our surroundings. That is where the problem lies. We can be lying in bed or on the couch – protected, warm, having nothing to fear – and yet, in our heads, we are afraid and anxious. As a consequence, our bodies experience the stress reactions caused by fear. And, in turn, that causes mental blocks that keep us from taking action.

In order to recognize these fears for what they really are and learn how to overcome your mental blocks, I invite you to try the following exercise. Whenever fear is holding you back, I want you to…

1. Review your fears

A powerful question that has helped me and many of my clients is: What’s the worst that can happen? Whenever you experience fear, ask yourself this question and write down everything you can possibly think of. When your list is ready, review the items and try to identify the worst outcome. Now compare that worst outcome with the life you’ll have if you don’t pursue your passion, goals, or dreams.

2. Embrace your fears

After you realize that your worst outcome is probably still much better than the unhappiness and unfulfilled life that might lie ahead of you if you don’t follow your passions, it is important to accept the fact that answering your calling will be scary sometimes, both now and in the future. But that is perfectly OK, and something we all experience. This is why befriending your fears and accepting them is really powerful, especially when you’re undertaking new and exciting things.

3. Transform your fears

A great way to live with your fears and make them work for you is to channel them into something empowering. Transform your negative, limiting beliefs into positive mantras that you repeat to yourself daily and your fears will change in your favor. This might be something as simple as starting to say “I can” instead of “I can’t”, or “yes, why not?” instead of “no, not me”.

Avoid letting fear shut you down
Whatever you do when you experience fear, I want you to take action and do whatever it takes to avoid shutting down. The simplest way to accomplish this, and get going again when fear hits you, is to sit with your fears and “do it anyway”. There’s no really easy way to do this, except through practice. Yet, by using fear as a trigger for this practice, you’ll diffuse it from the start and it will get easier.

4. Don’t let fear guide you

I’ll be the first to admit that fear is very powerful. If left alone and free to play games with your mind, fear will eventually lead you away from your dreams and desires, cloud your judgment, and drag you down. The first step to avoid this happening is recognizing your fears and knowing when they try to lead you. Being aware of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions will help you to stand against fear, and not let it guide you.

5. Prevent fear from deciding for you

Fear is not only powerful, but it’s also very deceiving. If a fear stays with you for too long and you don’t challenge it enough, it will become part of your belief system. When that happens, fear starts to dictate your decisions and even give direction to your life, career, and business. Prevent fears from becoming familiar by habitually questioning your belief system and turning inwards. Doing this is essential to knowing what really makes you happy, and to giving your life the direction you really want.

By befriending fear and accepting it as a part of my life, I became a happier, more fulfilled, and also a much more productive person. And I believe that by befriending fear and overcoming the mental blocks which stop you from taking action, so can you.

And so, tell me, what is the number one thing that keeps you from taking action or seeing things through?

What would you do if you weren't afraid to fail?

I’ve been spending a lot of time creating content for my popular Dream Bigger Goal Setting Program. While I was working on a unique daily planner yesterday (something special I’m putting together for the incredible humans enrolled in the program), I added a question in the introduction section of the planner that I love asking my clients and students.

What would you do if you weren’t afraid to fail?

The answers to that question are often out of the ordinary. When asked, some clients or students tell me they would simply aim for small changes in their lives, while others would go after big dreams. Although everyone has their own personal focus, and most answers are different, there are some things that are true for almost everyone. If they weren’t afraid to fail…

They would all gain confidence and believe in themselves

Knowing that you cannot fail takes away the fear, full-stop. It’s that simple. And, the consequences are pretty amazing. All of a sudden, things that look daring and big and unattainable become normal and totally doable, and you have no doubt that they are meant for you — and that you can and will indeed have what it is that you want.

Their goals wouldn’t really change, but they would jump more easily to achieve them

Almost none of my students or clients ever decide to go for other goals and dreams, rather than the ones they had already set for themselves. The big difference is that they believe that, if they cannot fail, they can go for them faster, without being so careful and without weighing all the options so much. And why not, right? When something is a sure thing, there’s no point in waiting – or being cautious for that matter!

They are all at least a little afraid

And who wouldn’t be, when working on their goals and designing the life they want? It would be so great to know that we cannot fail, but unfortunately we cannot escape uncertainty. And because the outcomes of our efforts is uncertain, and sometimes what we undertake asks so much of us (time, energy, commitment, effort, sacrifice… to name a few), it’s absolutely normal to have fears and moments of doubt.

I’ve become an avid goal-setting and dream pursuer, and I’ve been in business for more than 20 years. Still, I have doubts and fears, and moments when I’m not sure anymore, or times when uncertainty creeps up on me when I expect it the least. And I’m sure you do, too.

But, my guess is that when it comes to your big goals and dreams, most of all you’re afraid to fail. You’re looking at that big mountain in front of you, and you wonder: what if I don’t make it? What if I don’t succeed?

1. Learn to live your life fearlessly

If you know my personal story, you know I’ve had my share of fears over the years, but at some point I decided I wouldn’t let them rule my life anymore.

Now, I’m not here to say you need to live your life without fear, but I am saying you need to live it fearlessly! Fear is an ancient and primal emotion that has allowed the human race to survive. As such, it’s a powerful emotion. It has protected us from the unsafe and the unpredictable for centuries, and it has allowed us to thrive.

2. Take note of your flight reflex

But while we’ve evolved, this raw protective instinct of fight or flight did not. And while there might have been a lot of fighting in earlier times, when fear shows up today, we mostly want to run away.

• Like when we know we need to have “the conversation” with someone we care about, but we would rather do anything but.

• Or when we’re undertaking a big dream and things are not going the way we want them to. We expect a certain result (maybe some sales numbers in your business, or validation for your expertise, or recognition as an artist), but something else happens. With a lot of us — I’m no exception, believe me — when that happens, we would love nothing more than to run away from it all. There’s that flight instinct again!

And yes, you’ve got it right, this flight reflex is very present in our lives. More than you’re aware of, I’m sure. Take note of your reactions to situations for a few days, and you’ll get what I mean. It’s everywhere.

But what’s important to understand is that your fear is not against you. It’s just terribly overprotective (and really loves to run too).

3. Embrace your fears, and do it anyway

Elizabeth Gilbert calls this emotion “Grandfather Fear”. She says to it: “I know you’re scared because I’m going to expansively do something with an uncertain outcome, but we’re going to do it anyway.“

So when fear shows up, don’t take flight. But instead, think about what you would do if you weren’t afraid to fail. Then use that knowledge and confidence to do it anyway.

And when things get tough, remind yourself that being courageous is not being without fear, but rather believing deeply that your happiness lies on the other – fearless side – of life.

The Power of Limitless Thinking: Manifesting for Beginners

I love the word limitless. It speaks to me; it talks to my soul. It makes me believe that I can be and do anything I want and that there are no limits to what I can achieve. And I honestly believe that. I think it’s true. That there is nothing in this world that I couldn’t handle or achieve if I wanted to. And that’s why I love this word so much. It reminds me of the possibilities, even when all odds are against me.

I gave a talk once, explaining how I believed I could marry Brad Pitt – if I wanted to. I remember the girls and women in the audience looking at me and going, “Yeah, right,” but when I said it, I really believed it, and I still do now. To me, the possibilities that life offers are like the laws of physics. I don’t understand them all, and I don’t know them all either, but I do know they work and believe them to be true. Whenever an apple falls from a tree, or we launch a rocket into the sky, I’m reminded of those laws.

With limitless thinking, it’s the same thing.

To me, it’s a law just like the ones from Newton. The only difference is that this one is about us and not the world we live in. And what it says to me is pretty simple: believing in limitless thoughts makes you achieve limitless things.

I love that. So simple, yet so powerful. But I didn’t always use to think this, and nor did I always like the concept. For a long time, I believed that the world was small and that my place in it needed to be even smaller. I thought of all the things I wanted to do and say and be, yet I never believed I could achieve any of them. My thinking was not limitless; on the contrary, there were boundaries everywhere. I would dream about being me, living a life where I felt happy, fulfilled, and content to be who I was, yet I thought those goals were totally out of reach. My daily life was filled with beliefs about the world that limited me not only in my actions but also in the way I looked at myself and loved myself.

I was blocked and unable to move forward. In all honesty, I was miserable, too.

But, back to Brad Pitt. There I am, in an auditorium, speaking to college students and young women with opportunities ahead of them, and none of them believe me. They all immediately limit the thought I put into that room: you’re too short, you’re too old, you’re not Angelina, so he could never marry you. All of them are fair comments (it’s true, I’m not Angelina), yet only speculation. And that’s the problem. Who in that auditorium called Brad and asked him directly what he thought of the idea? And even if someone would have done that, marrying someone requires love (I hope), and that doesn’t happen overnight (well, it could, but it’s rare). So, this goal would need to be put in motion with many different actions, and if it were a real goal, I should keep at it for a while to reach it. But that’s okay, no issues there. I’m all up for that, and it might be worth it, too.

The problem is the limits we immediately put on our thinking. And the results that that impulse has on the size and horizon of our universe. I cannot say for sure that Brad wouldn’t marry me, except if I try.

Yet, when our dreams become big, we all immediately jump to conclusions and deny ourselves the opportunity. This makes our world small - very small.

Think of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the Austrian bodybuilder who became one of the best action heroes of our time and the governor of California. But okay, enough with the guys. What about women like Amelia Earhart, who made history as an amazing adventurer and flyer, or Coco Chanel, to this day, one of the icons of style and fashion? What these women and all the other women and men who wrote history before us have in common is –  I believe – a muscle for limitless thinking. The biographies, movies, documentaries, and books about all these great people tell tales of thoughts that were greater than themselves that they couldn’t shake, and that kept them going forward, even when everyone was against them.

That is the power of limitless thinking. The limits we believe are all around us are not really there. 

Of course, there is order to be kept, and it’s important to respect and protect everyone’s freedom and life, but apart from those provisions, there are no limits to what you can achieve.

This realization came to me very slowly, and it took me a long time to grasp its whole meaning and potential. One day, I wondered if, instead of continuing to listen to beliefs that were keeping me and my life small, I could change my future and decide to live a life I really wanted to live instead. So, I pressed against the invisible boundaries I had set for myself and pushed through.

Once on the other side, after a lot of pushing and pressing and breaking through my own beliefs, I realized that, in fact, there are no limits at all, apart from the ones we create for ourselves. 

And so I developed my muscle for unlimited thinking. As a result, I have achieved amazing things, been to amazing places, met amazing people, and am living the most fantastic life, which I’m sure is so much better than being married to Brad Pitt.

Because that, too, is the power of limitless thinking. What we want changes over time, and the more we use the muscle, the more what looks impossible now will become part of our normal thought patterns in the future.

Never forget: everything you think is easy today, you once found hard to do. So think as big as you can. It’s only up to you to decide how limitless you want to live.

How to deal with unsolicited advice about your life

Last week, I was talking to a friend about her enrolling in an expensive 7-year Chinese language course. She’s a really smart woman with a passion for travel, adventure, and foreign cultures. When she told me she wanted to start this course, I was immediately certain that this was a great decision for her. But she didn’t seem happy about her decision to enroll, and although I knew this was really what she wanted, she told me she wasn’t sure what to do.

A bit further into the conversation, she told me she had been having quite a few discussions with her parents about the Chinese course. And they hadn’t been very encouraging. On the contrary, they had been all over her with old-fashioned, well-intentioned advice about the cost, the length and the difficulty of the project, and it had cluttered her judgment. As a result, she didn’t know what to do anymore, and had not only started doubting her decisions, but also her ability to actually achieve her dreams. Sound familiar?

Having been there many times myself, I knew exactly what was going on. She was the victim of unsolicited advice about her life. One of the deadliest attacks you can imagine, a surefire way to kill ideas, ideals, and dreams, and often performed by the most well-intentioned friends and family members… in many cases, the parents.

And oh dear, how ironic. There I was and here I am with a few tips to survive the free-throw of unsolicited advice. To my defense, she asked for my advice. But obviously, you didn’t. So please feel free to treat what follows with a dash of my own medicine below.

Unsolicited advice is nothing more than someone else’s opinion. So, treat it like that. The big difference here is that the opinion is about you and expressed by someone who you love or care about. That makes the opinion look like much more than it really is, and makes it much harder for you to move past it. Always try to remember: it’s nothing more than any other opinion out there. And if you’re able to pass on those, you’re able to pass on these ones, too. Like when your Mom tells you not to go on that yoga retreat, because you’ll be all alone. If it was a stranger who didn’t know you, you would have no issue explaining that – on the contrary – you wouldn’t be alone at all, but rather surrounded by so many amazing and like-minded people. But since it’s your mom, things are different. When she tells you that you’ll be alone, you get scared. Because she was there every time you felt alone in the past, and because she taught you everything. So when she says you’ll be alone, there is a part of you that believes her. But she’s wrong. It’s only her opinion.

Unsolicited advice is anchored in beliefs. And, therefore, most of the time, well-intentioned unsolicited advice will not work for you at all. What I find most interesting about advice is that it’s a beautiful expression of someone’s entire belief system. Like when your mom tells you not to go on that yoga retreat, because it’s too expensive. What your mom forgets to mention when she says that is that the yoga retreat is too expensive for her. And those two little words are crucial. The yoga retreat is not expensive on its own. Actually, without anything to compare it to, can it really be quantified at all? It’s only when a belief system is put next to it – with ideas about what something should cost, how much one has to work to gather a particular amount of money, and so on – that the yoga retreat can really be quantified as expensive or not. And inherently, that will always be personal and subjective, something for you to decide. Remember this when advice makes you doubt yourself, and measure things as being based on your beliefs, and nobody else’s.

Unsolicited advice is often fueled by fear. Although, it usually seems as if it’s fueled by love. Most people have fears, and are quite unaware of how those fears give direction to their thoughts and their actions on a daily basis. And this is certainly true of them giving you unsolicited advice. Like when your Mom tells you not to go on that yoga retreat because it’s just a waste of your valuable time. This advice might be anchored in a belief that time is precious – which it most certainly is – yet that only certain activities are worthy of it. When people warn you with unsolicited advice like this, look for the fear that speaks behind the words. It will usually be uncalled for, and finding it will help you to realize the advice as a whole probably is, too.

Eventually, my friend signed up for her Chinese course, and she feels great about it. But she had to push through with a decision that was hers and hers alone to make. That’s what unsolicited advice can keep you from. Eventually, what she remembered, and what I hope you and I can remember, too, is that we only have one life… and despite all the unsolicited advice we might receive, nobody is going to live it for us. So we might as well do what we love and be who we want to be. And to do that, ignoring unsolicited advice is key.

How to be happy for others and why it matters

I was at a family wedding last weekend when my husband’s cousin and I started talking about the power of happiness. My husband’s cousin is a wonderful woman; beautiful, well-read, she has been places and seen things. Life hasn’t always been easy for her, yet when she’s around, even the darkest room brightens. She was talking about how happy she is with her baby boy, how her husband is a keeper, and how they’ve now found a house they love, have made an offer, and are praying for it to be accepted. All good things, for sure. But then the mood changed, as she recalled telling a good friend about her treasured house just a day earlier, and getting a nasty, jealous comment back.

The friend she was talking about is not very different from her. She’s not a refugee from Syria, she’s not on welfare, and she isn’t sick or even remotely in a bad physical or mental place. On the contrary, she has a good and steady job, lives a great life, and only differs slightly from my husband’s cousin: she just has a tiny bit less than her, is just a tiny bit heavier than her, and to her own standards, she’s just a tiny bit less attractive. But all of these little tiny bits together make that friend unhappy and envious.

I could see that my husband’s cousin had given this issue a lot of thought. And in the interesting and heart-centered conversation we had, she said something that really stuck with me.

If only my friend was happy for me, that would make her happy, too.

And I think that is so true.

We live in a competitive world. We live in a media-driven world. We live in a world that wants us to believe we are not enough the way we are, and that we are flawed and need extensive fixing. There isn’t a week that goes by without us being bombarded by countless messages telling us what a wonderful and perfect life lies a tiny little bit ahead of us, if only we can have, do, or take up the latest fashion fad. I believe that envy and jealousy are byproducts of those deceiving lies. And although they are not the goal of what the media and corporations want us to believe about ourselves, they are a welcome byproduct of that messaging. Envy and jealousy make us unhappy, and unhappiness is the breeding ground for our need for stuff, and always more stuff. Because we are meant to believe that we can cure unhappiness with things. And when we see others obtaining items that we think we need in order to be happy, our envy and jealousy are there to remind us of that lie.

But with awareness and practice, you can learn to see through this veil of misleading beliefs and become genuinely happy for others. And once you do that, a new level of happiness emerges for you, too. And guess what? It all starts with loving yourself first.

Looking back at my own life, I know I’ve had many moments where I was envious or jealous, comparing and wishing I could have the life, body, or boyfriend of someone else. For a big part of my life, I tried to achieve the unattainable and I was miserable. Those moments were amongst the worst of my life. When I think back on how I felt, what I remember is bad. In most cases, I was depressed, stressed, anxious, frustrated, or scared. And I definitely didn’t love myself. And it’s only when I changed from within – when I started to love myself, my body, my mind, my soul, and my life – that I was able to be happy for the fortune and blessings of others. And thanks to that shift, I became happier myself.

Because when I started doing that, showing more love and compassion for the person who I was, I noticed I wasn’t that envious or jealous of others anymore. And once I was happy for them, more amazing things started happening for me. And that’s no surprise.

It is my conviction that what we send out into the world, and the thoughts that we have over and over again, materialize into this world. No exceptions.

On a level of energy, thought can be positive or negative, and depending on what we send out via our thinking, that is what we attract back into our lives. Fundamentally, that’s all there is: either you send out and receive positive and uplifting energy, or you send out and gain negative and depressing energy.

When you are jealous, you are tapping into and sending out negative energy. And by definition, that is what you get back. But that’s not all. When you’re jealous or envious, you’re creating the negative energy within yourself – in your mind through negative thinking, and in your body by producing emotions to fit your thoughts. And by doing that, you push self-love away. When you think of it that way, what it means is that, when you’re having negative thoughts or feelings towards someone else, you’re really having them towards yourself. When you’re jealous of a friend, they might be out having a great time, while you’re sobbing, or frustrated, or sad even, that you are not them. Wouldn’t it be much more fun to be out with them, so you could have a good time too?

But thankfully, the opposite is true, as well. And that is what my husband’s cousin meant when she said her friend could be happy too. Because if you are genuinely happy for the success, achievements, blessings, and lives of others, you are creating that positive energy within yourself, too, bringing more self-love into your life. And to live a happy and fulfilling life, that is what you must aim to do, always.